Now follows a brief account of the Holiday in Kiltealy ...

Day 1: Pre Holiday

Hour 1: First Half
I needed to pack so I walked through to the living room and picked up my purple and blue rucksack. There was already some stuff in there but I didn't know what it was so I emptied it out and then walked out of the door and turned left into the hall from whence I arrived at the bedroom. The door was open so I had only to walk straight through to the area where I keep my clothes.

First of all I collected the necessary number of socks and pants, I took 5 pairs of each and then I selected my outdoor trousers, a shirt and a warm jumper. With my anorak this was enough to fill the rucksack which was the only bag I was allowed to take on the flight.

At this point I intended to have a cup of tea and go online to pay my electricity bill. The electricity company have been sending me lots of letters lately saying they are going to come and kick my door in and install a pre-pay meter which I didn't want them to do whilst I was on holiday. Instead of this however I had a cup of tea and a cigarette and forgot all about paying the bill.

Hour 1: Second Half

I left the house and locked the door carefully behind me, opened the gate and walked to my car which I unlocked and climbed into through the door which I had also opened. The car was parked a short way from my house due to the on-going pavement renewal building work which isn't going on down my road. It hasn't been going on since Christmas when some workmen came and ripped up all the pavement and placed orange barriers everywhere to stop people parking normally. Since then they have been back a couple of times to pour some tarmac randomly around on the remains of the pavement.

I drove up Millhaven Avenue and turned left onto Hazelwell Fordrough which enabled me to get onto Vicarage road where I drove the rest of the way to my parents house. Neither of my parents were in so I went to the barberess opposite Kings Heath park who cut my hair and told me that her dog had died, it was her birthday and she gets great pleasure from cutting my hair. Back at my parents there was still no one in so I had a cup of tea and then went to find a garage with a working car vacuum to give my car a quick vacuuming. I found one at the second garage I tried.

Back at the house again my father had turned up so I gave him the keys to my car which he was borrowing whilst I was away and told him that putting him on the insurance so he could drive it had actually reduced my premium by £10 a month. I then forced him to give me a lift to the airport which he happily did.

Day One: Hour Two

At the airport I went immediately to the Aer Lingus check in desk to check in for my flight. This was a mistake since I was flying with Ryan Air and not Aer Lingus and I had checked in on-line anyway and didn't need to check in again.

I milled about the airport, smoked some cigarettes and ate some food in Burger King. I had a Bacon Double Cheeseburger which I quite liked but no cup of tea since I didn't want to wait too long before going through customs.

I bought a book by John Le Carre about nasty Americans, good Muslims, valiant Lawyers, devious Spies, morally aware Bankers and extraordinary rendition and the I entered the customs line.

I saw Paul, Kerri and Robert a long way in front of me just walking through the metal detectors. I coughed loudly and conspicously to draw their attention to me but they did not hear and didn't notice me.

I almost got through the metal detector but my belt let me down so I was temporarily delayed by a man with a magic wand. Even with this delay I still got all my stuff back before Paul, Kerri and Robert had got there's back. They seemed to be trying to import a whole cornucopia of liquids and other banned substances into Ireland.

Once they had noticed me we entered the departure lounge and waited for someone called Jason. After a while it turned out he was already there so we went to meet him. He was a sort of a hobbit Ray Mears.

To be continued ...