Adventure Holiday
I've mentioned this sort of holiday before and this year I am finally, definitely going to go for it. I suspect this will not be everyones/anyones cup of tea, but you never know so if you fancy it let me know, really quickly since I think it needs to be booked really quickly as there aren't many places left now.
It's really a swimming holiday, in the Inner Hebrides in September when, according to the tour company, the sea around lovely sunny Scotland is at it's warmest. As well as swimming it also involves some hiking and lots of camping.
The adventure begins on Jura where you being by swimming from one end of a big loch to the other and then hiking back to the campsite, hopefully in time to visit the nearby Whisky distillery. You camp each night so on the second day you hike to the coast and swim across the mouth of Loch Tarbert where it opens into the sea. After that there is a potentially very dangerous day where we swim across the infamous huge whirlpool of Corryvreckan as we swim from Jura to the next island along which is called Luing. The following days are spent hiking across two more islands and swimming between them until you get back to the mainland.
I am quite excited about it, I think it will either be a complete and utter living hell of pain, rain, cold and unending misery or really good fun. The longest swim is across the Loch and that's 4KM, the other ones are nearly all quite a lot shorter than that. You're followed around by a boat so you don't have to swim if, for instance, you get your leg bitten off by a shark, or you simply can't be bothered anymore and I think the people on the boat are all expert swimmers who will assess how well you are swimming and give you lots of help to improve your stroke. I don't think you even need to be especially proficient at swimming by the looks of it either since they grade people into 3 categories based on how quickly you can swim 1KM, one of the categories is over 40min which you could manage more or less just by floating. This is what I am hoping anyway !
http://www.swimtrek.com/trips-and-events/one-week-tours/scottish-inner-h...
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Possible Disaster
Reading the trip itineray I've noticed that we will spend some time swimming with the Seals, this could be a problem because, as everyone knows, Seals are always on the look out to steal human souls. They can employ various mechanisms to achieve this goal but one of the more popular and well recorded methods they employ is "the seal soul stealing gaze", once you have made eye contact with their deceptively tranquil beautiful brown eyes ( oh how well they disguise the evil machinations of there machiavellian conciousness ! ), using a branch of physics unknown to physics but well documented by the writers of folk tales they suck out your soul and are able to effect a take over of your body into which they have implanted their conciousness leaving you trapped in their useless seal bodies. Traditionally they then club you ( in your seal body ) to death and skin you so as they can keep the skin buried under the little hut they will build near to the sea, if their skin is discovered and reunited with seal water then they are consigned back to their seal bodies whilst you, unfortunately remain dead.
I think it may be possible to avoid their gaze by buying some mirrored swimming goggles but as I say the seal gaze is only one of the cunning methods they are apt to employ so that may not offer complete protection. This could be the most dangerous part of the trip.
Training
According to the training plan I ought now to be swimming 2.5 - 3KM at least once a week. Obviously I am not managing to do this and falling short by at least 1KM. Basically there isn't time to swim 3KM in the evenings at Tiverton road and even if there was doing so would be far too long and boring an effort to even attempt it. I am hoping that swimming in the sea with the seals, whales, sharks, oil tankers will avoid this boredom trap.
To compensate I am attempting to undertake other forms of excercise instead in the hope this will translate into extra swimming power during the trip, I'm not sure how well cycling translates into swimming power but I remain optimistic. Cycling too though is a little bit too boring to do more than once a week not to mention absolutely feckin' exhausting so this evening I have had another go at jogging. After my first attempt several weeks ago I swore I would never ever try it again but now that my legs have just about recovered from that hellish experience and the memory of the pain has faded and I did want to do something tonight but couldn't be bothered lugging the bike down the stairs I gave it another go.
I think it's possible that jogging may be slightly less boring that swimming or cycling, whilst swimming you have absolutely no interaction with anyone else, submerged as you are in the watery hell of your own thoughts and cycling too cuts you off from those you overtake as you are travelling too quickly to hear what anyone is yelling properly. Jogging though offers no escape from the helpful and encouraging comments random pedestrians, this evening as I was lurching along the path with my vision obscured by rivers of sweat and breathing like a rapist a lady out for a nice walk with her family and pushing a pram made encouraging jogging actions in my direction and was heard to say to her boyfriend "Oh, that poor man. Look, I think he's just about to die, could we fit him the pram do you think ?". Although I had planned on lurching down into a slow walk well before I passed them I couldn't very well do that then and retain any sense of pride so had to continue on through the pain until I around the corner from them and out of sight. On my way back ( walking this time ) I passed them again and the ladies friend said "Here's you friend again" and they asked me if I was enjoying my nice jog. "NO !" I replied, "Maybe it will be better next time" they said. "I don't think there will be a next time". I said.
I think there may be a next time though because this evening I managed to actually run 4 times further than I did the 1st time, although my legs hurt just as much now as they did then and I suspect it's going take another couple of weeks for them to recover enough to try it again.
Exercise?
Why don't you just follow the same exercise routine that you took before going to Scotland? Drinking serious amounts of beer, spirts and sangria, staying up very late, smoking nine million fags and indulging in *ahem* other things.
Far more interesting than going round and round and round.
Because ...
It's almost impossible to drown on a cycling holiday but much more possible whilst battling through the towering seas and vicious currents of the largest permanent whirlpool in Europe.
Whirlpools
Yeah but you aren't going to be anywhere near the nasty old whirlpool, you'll be, sunning yourself on the boat fag in mouth after about ten minutes of swimming.
Utter living hell of pain, rain, cold and unending misery.
I was thinking that while this probably wasn't something that I'd be interesting in it would be ok for those nuts who want to pretend that they are Action Man.
But....
£555! In Scotland! In a tent! In September! With only three days of meals and you've got to pay to get yourself there. Fucking rip off.
A quick look on lastminute.com shows a similar seven day holiday in Cyprus staying in a half board five star hotels between hikes and swims incuding return flights -only six hundred quid.
Anyway if you wanted to swim around islands why not come to Croatia with me, they've got 1185 islands half of which are uninhabited.
You can swim behind the boat that I'm partying on.
;)
Softies
That's why I'm not going to have any money for the forseeable future, what I don't spend on the initial cost I surely will on shark deterrents, heated speedos and harpoon guns.
However I really don't mind paying for experienced professionals to guide me across the most deadly whirlpool in the British Isles than some bozo with no clue who may be a bit cheaper. As for doing it in soft, nancy, countries where it may be "warmer" or "sunnier" well that would be pointless, how big are their whirlpools ? How likely are you to die in some cossetted hotel ? No, I want to stare death in the face, the stronger the wind, the heavier the rain and the colder it is the happier I will be.
Ha ha
I think it's ridiculously expensive. I bet they make you erect your own tent during a downpour and cook your own Sainsbury's value range sausages in the morning as well. From the looks of the items you should bring list they don't even blow up and air bed for you.
I bet at some point during your misery you mutter "fucking rain, I should have listened to Richard".
Also for experienced professionals read "Strange island folk with six fingers"
FIVE HUNDRED AND FIFTY FIVE POUNDS!
That's just a total waste of money. I tell you what if you drive me to Scotland, I'll erect your tent, cook you sausages and sail behind you in a dinghy while you splash around in freezing cold water for only £475.50 + £15 booking fee. Bargain.
Never !
Airbeds ? Food ? You've clearly been over pampered if you'd expect any of that. I expect there will be no time for sleep with all the hunting we'll have to do.
Softies
I think he's too southern to last long in those Northern waters. Apparently Robson Green did a programme recently with the travel company I'm travelling with where he swam across the Corryvreckan.
I have booked it today, there are 3 spare places left on the trip I will be on ;-)
Cool!
sounds ace. Is David Walliams doing it?!