CLUB . . . You're wrong and you don't even know it !

Well folks, hear I am. In India. At the start of anoher litle trip around
this globe of ours. All my hard work in the warehouse packing Barbie Dolls
(there is a Barbie doll where she has one black baby and one white baby,
also a 4 foot 10 inch barbie doll called My Size Barbie. Kylie Minogue is 4
foot 10 inch) has paid off. I am now free again and plan to let you all know
about my adventures. Who would have guessed that hard work pays dividends!

My trip starts with a stop in Bahrain. The airport was covered in xmas decs.
Interesting. I always thought the birth of Christ was significant to
Christians alone, but I guess if there is money to be made!

Then Mumbai (Bombay). I arrived at 4 am to be greated by a mad crow in the
arrivals hall. I am somewhere else, I thought. This ain't Kansas. Got thru
pport control and realised I was hungry. Got food and then realised I had 14
hours or so to wait for Zoe to arrive. (my better half, other half, not
quite my trouble and strife but most definately my girl friend). So i
thought I would wait. Realised this was silly and was spotted by a hotel
tout who led me away to a rather plain hotel where he tried to charge me
3000 Rupees for a double room (1 quid is 75R's) Welcome to india i thought!
Finaly agreed on 1000R's and went to bed. Later met Zoe and brought safely
to the hotel where we had an early night in preparation for looking at
mumbai. Got fleeced an extra 200r's by he hotel management (they claimed I
did not tell them about Zoe. Could not be bothered to argue!) as we left and
then the train to central Mumbai.

Mumbai is big. Very big. 16 million people. By far the biggest city I have
visited. And most of it is slums. Real slums. We spent an hour on the train
riding from the airport district to Cobala (central Mumbai) and all I could
see was poverty. Real poverty. Was expecting to see this but in such a large
scale took me aback. I felt very depressed. I think that 15 million of
mumbai's 16 million have nothing. The biggest slums in Asia my guide book
tells me and therefore one of the biggest in the world. A shock.

Cobala is a treat. Very (i hate the word ) quaint. Small roads. Parks.
Street vendors. Next to the sea. Historic. The Taj Mahal hotel is beautiful
and the Gateway to India interesting to see. Was offered an extra role in a
Bollywood movie by a man in the hostel, but with only one day in Mumbai I
turned it down. A pity but a lot of standing around would be involved and
500r's for 8 hours did not seem worth it. If I had more time!

The reason for our short stop was our plan to spend new year in Goa.

Goa is beautiful. The beaches are paradise. But, it didn't fell like India.
Beach huts and tourists. Excellent for a holiday but if you have been to
Turkey, Thailand the Carribean and I expect many other places you know what
it is all about. No real suprises. Except a dog nicking my glasses. A
suprise I could have done with out! New year was fun. The beach we stayed at
was Pallolem. Fairly quiet. No Goa Trance partys but I think since the Govt.
made anti noise laws in the mid 90's that scene has moved on. Nice bars.
Ocean and cool fire works. There is about 30 or 40 establismenets
(accomodation, restaurants, bars) along the 1 mile beach all with their own
fireworks set off at random over a 2 hour period or so! A top new year! I
also managed to reaquaint myself with a motor bike( My 1st since Thailand,
This a whopping 100cc!) which scared the hell out of a very silent Zoe but
got us around Goa state with out too much drama or getting lost!

After Goa we headed south to Gokarna. I think down here is the "new" Goa.
Lots of stupidly cheap beach huts (30r's per night compared with 300r's on
Palolem) and a nice small coastal town.

Here I learned about Bang Chai. The wrong way. Sat at a nice little cafe,
ordered Masala Chai. I thoght i heard the man say "big Chai?"
"Yes please" I said being greedy and liking things to be large. Sat there
for a while. Lots of grinding, making it fresh i thought. Drank my Chai,
restaurant man looked very proud. Asked me if i was enjoing it. Said yes.
Finished it. Asked to pay. 50r's he said. Masala chai normally costs 8 r's!
Asked what was going on. Bang chai he said. Zoe lets me know that this is
made from marijuana! Not Happy! Spent the night a total gibbering wreck!

After here we went to the ruins of hampi. This place i love. The only way to
describe this is it is like a cross between Goreme in central Turkey, Angkor
Wat and Mos Eisley! An excellent place to spend a week. Spent many days
exploreing all the temples and hills. Some of which are sill in use.
Watching the Sadhus and classical musicians at work in a 500 year old temple
was an awsome experiance. Especially when i turned a narrow corner to come
face to face with an elephant! Very surreal and totally out of this world,
especially when the elephant started bowing to the deitys! A real window
into how life was like 500 years ago when hampi was not ruins but the city
it was before destroyed by war.

ON the edge of the ruins is a long flight of white stairs (600) up a hill
to where the Monkey God was born. Up here lives monkeys and a couple of holy
men in their temple. If memory serves me Monkey Magic was born in very
similar surroundings. I feel honoured and privaliged to have visited the
birth place of Monkey Magic!

After Hampi we travelled to Bangalore where I could get new glasses. I have
no real opinion of Bagalore. I spent most of my time here sick (Delhi Belly)
so I saw very little of the town. It seems quite developed and westernised.
Not super big like Mumbai but a fair size.

After here we headed south (always south! Its cold up north at the moment, 4
degs C in Delhi the other day!) to Mysore where I am writing to you all now.
This place seems a little less busy for india. It has a Beautiful Palace in
the centre which is lit up with fairy lights at night. I haver not really
explored yet as I am not yet tip top but tomorrow is another day!

On that cheasy note I will end.

Love and miss you all.

Dan.

Hello. For installment 2 read below.

As far as I remember the last time I wrote one of these I was in the town of
Mysore and fuck me, what a lot has happened since then. Some of this you
will not believe.

Mysore is a town famous for a palace once inhabited by a Maharaja. The
palace today has been completely covered by small lights which they switch
on for one night a week. This gives a sight which makes the Palace look like
something from a fairytale, .

A funny thing happened to me one evening in Mysore. Whilst completing a walk
up a nearby hill to see some views of the city, 3 young Indian lads started
talking to me. Nowt strange here I thought. They later asked me back to
their hotel to play some snooker. I again thought nowt strange here. They
started talking and told me that they are gold merchants. Fair enough I
thought. Well to do lads. They then asked where I was going after India.
Auckland I said. At this point they got quite excited. One had a brother in
Auckland with a Jewellry shop. As Indians it cost a fortune in taxes for
them to take Jewellry out of the country. As a foreigner the taxes do not
apply. If I took some they could pay for my flight and pay me US$1500! Right
I thought. Turn up in Auckland with I dont know how many thousand pounds
worth of jewllery and customs wont say a thing. If they ask just say
"nothing here, just a special delivery and tax dodge!" I left. My evening
was alread booked. Zoe and I were off to watch Don at the local cinema.

Don was a treat. Zoe didnt finish the film as she was not feeling so good
but I sat through all 2 and a half hours of this Hindi epic. From what I
could gather Don is a hero with rather natty jackets who saves the day by
twitching his head. At this point the baddies fall over with fire works. He
then has a dance. He then goes to court. He is not only a hero but a lawyer.
The baddies often get set free. So Don kills them. He then gets a girl
friend. And now it gets complecated. Now Don is a boy. He is with a fat mad
man who eats apples and his dad. His dad is killed by random baddy. Don goes
to court and twitches his head. And then he becomes an adult. And kills the
baddies. And has a dance. The end. Clear? As mud!

After Mysore we left for the hills of Ooty. A place that is fair by day and
cold by night and full of home made chocolate. The chocolate was nice and so
was being cool. It felt good to sleep under a quilt and to not need a fan or
a shower every 10 minutes!

After Ooty it was a short(ish) trip to Cochin via a very pretty mountain
railway and very shakey mountain bus. Cochin town is not much to write home
about. There is a nice beach near by that suffers terribly from pollution. I
was having a paddle only to notice a dead cow float by. I stopped paddling.
But other than that things took a turn for the wierd. In Mumbai I had the
chance to "Star" (extra) in a Bolloywood film. Well here the 2 of us had the
chance to do the same but for a pop video. We excepted. We had a week to
kill before the shoot so we headed south.

First to Varkala. A nice beach resort area. Much like Goa. Restaurants.
Sunbathers. Life guards with whistles which gave the beach a swimmingpool
atmosphere. A very cheap cottage where we stayed. Good food, Very pleasant.

Then to Cape Comorin or Kanyakamuri. This is the most southerly point in
India. South from here the next landfall is Antarctica about humpfty humpf
thousand miles away. I liked Cape Comorin. It had a curious but pleasant
atmosphere. Lots of tourists both Indian and foreign and many pilgrims as it
is a holy site and a resting place of some of Gandhi's ashes before they
were cast to the sea.

The temples are magnificent. 2 are built on off shore islets and accesible
by boat. The first is a 90 foot statue of a guru who sat on the same rock
and meditated. I forget the full story but it makes an impressive site. The
second is of a temple containing a foot print of Shiva built, i think, as
far south as you can go on Indian territory. Zoe and I had a fight to see
who could get further south. I won. Zoe disagrees.

The Gandhi memorial was different. It looked like a giant marshmallow and
contained an enthusiastic guide with a stick and a funny voice. We arrived
at 7pm, its closing time just as the guide was using his stick to chase out
Indians. When he saw us foreigners he shouted at us to stay. He then
proceeded to round up the same Indians with his stick and let them stay. Got
to look good in front of Indias guests! At this point he let us up the
memorial so we all could see the veiws over the cape, left over the Bay of
Bengal, forwards to the Indian Ocean and right to the Arabian Sea. All of
which meet at this point.The Indian tourists were pleased we were there
otherwise they would have missed the memorial. We were pleased as it was
nice to see the Cape at a vantage point at night. We promised we would
return the next day.

The next day we were greated by the same funny man who positioned us either
side of Gandhis portrait for a photo. Before doing this he gave all 3 of us
(Zoe Gandhi and myself) tikka spots on the forehead. I felt a bit foolish
with this spot a rubbed it off as soon as I could! I am looking forward to
seeing the photo. I am sure we all look fine!

And now comes the mental bit. After the Cape it was north to Allepy for the
filming. Only Zoe's wisdom touth was playing up. Her cheek had balloned and
she was in pain. The first thing we had to do was find a dentist, which
Vikash (our contact) helped us with. Armed with a prescription Zoe found a
pharmacy and relevant medicine and, touch wood, the tooth has been fine
since.

On this day of arrival we learnt what we had to do. The video is by an
Indian artist called Shaan to be broadcast on Indian MTV and Channel V. The
schedule would be a day of dance practice and of learning various moves.
Then 2 days of filming. The filming would be on a river boat on a large
freshwater expanse near Allepy. Pay would be free accomodation, free food
and 800R's a day.

Day 1.

A day of learning various moves at the hotel. The Hotel had a coference area
where we could practice. We had 2 choreographers teaching 7 westerners and 5
Indian lads for the shoot. None of us profesional. All of us looking and
feeling very silly. We must be in the background behind profesional dancers
we all felt.

Day 2

The first day of filming. We had to be up early. 5am. We got up early and
then sat in our rooms untill 8.30ish when we finally left. We arrived (no
professionals, just us !) to find the set not yet finished so we waited for
an hour or so until we could get on the boat. The boat was about 10 meters
long and 5 wide with a dragon painted on the flat deck and 2 curious wooden
arches opposite one another. A few flag like things were also placed on
deck. A second boat of similar size contained crew, camera equipment and
miscellanios film equipment. This was along side.So off we went into the
middle of this lake. Very pretty it was. There is an infamous Hollywood
director by the name of Ed Wood. He directed very low quality horror
(Frankenstein, Dracula) flicks with Bella Lugosi during the 30's (I think)
where the sets kept falling to bits. Laterly made famous by a film of the
same name with Johnny Depp. This boat felt like one of his sets. Whilst
dancing, bits of the boat kept falling off. The odd flag here. Another one
by the boom. Bits were randomly moved during takes. Then the mast landed on
one of the boys heads. But the director showed no interest. He just carried
on. We showed lots of interest as not only was the boat falling to bits but
the organisers forgot to bring any fresh water. In the sun. 30degs. Dancing.
No water.No shade. Not fun. We protested. It fell on deaf ears.The only
water available was boiled river water. A sort of rust red colour with
chunks. I know where Indias sewage system ends up. I dont care how much you
boil piss and shit I ain't drinking it!

Now a funny thing about the dancing was that all the moves we learned on day
1 were not to be used. We had to learn new moves on set. Us amatuers. We got
on with it. We quickly realised thast the choreographers were making it up
on the spot. Odd we felt. But what the hell.

The day carried on much like this. Until dark. Then the insects came. We
have all whitnesed a blizzard. This was something similar except remove the
snow, crank up the heat and put in bugs. I didn't like it.

We finally finished the filming at 9pm and left for the hotel. We all
complained big style about the lack of water and food and were promised all
would be different tomorrow. Fair enough we thought.

We were told to be up by 5.

Day 3.

We woke at 8.30 and got dressed quickly to catch the bus. We arrived on set
to find no water. We all refused to get on the boat until water was brought.
I felt quite militant. I can now also empathise with the primadonna actors
who have tantrums on set! I Know how you all feel, lovies. Water came. We
started filming. Much the same as day one. Except I learnt that we would
only get paid for the 2 days of filming. Not day 1. I span out at this and
wanted to leave, but Zoe wanted to finish so we stayed. It was a case of not
much else could go wrong so we may as well see it thru.

Day 3 continued with less drama than day 1 and finished at 6. I was pleased
when it was over.

Whilst on set I learnt some statistics about this video. As already
mentioned the video is to be broadcast on MTV and Channel V (India only).
37% of indians have access to MTV and 20% have access to Channel V. ie these
channels are contained in their cable/digital package. India has a
population of 1 billion people. That means this video has a potential
viewing figure of 370,000,000.
Or to put it another way one person in every 16.5 on this planet has the
opportunity to see me dancing like a tit on a boat that is falling to bits.
Of this I am proud! And this is true.

From this debacle we got back to travelling and headed east to Rameswaram. A
place almost conected to Sri Lanka by a geographical feature known as Adam's
Bridge. A collection of sand banks, Islets and reefs between the 2 countrys.

Rameswaram is fairly uninspiring save for Adams Bridge and a rather
fantastic temple. The temple contains long corridors with intricately
painted roofs. Very impressive and quite awsome.

Adams Bridge was why I wanted to go. To get there its a short 10k bus trip
to a small fishing comunity. From here its a long slog accross a narrow sand
bank east. This slog was made extra special by a group of school kids who
were walking home and joined us. Whilst skipping and playing for the 4k
walk we came across thier village. Dhandeskari. A village now containing
fishing boats and straw huts and the remnants of the prosperous town that
was removed by a cyclone in 1976. The ruins and the huts gave it a feeling
of Mos Eisley by the sea. I was back in Star Wars land! A village quite
surreal and different from anything I had experianced. A real treat. It was
here we had to turn back as the sun was setting. The actual "bridge" started
about 4k's from there. Thankfully we did not have to walk back but saw a 4wd
pass us and we got a lift back on that. Driving back I saw 3 flocks of Pink
Flamingo's, birds I didn't realise lived in India.

I learnt on the 4wd that we were a mere 17k's from Sri Lanka but it is
impossible for people to get a boat across the final strech of water for
politiacl reasons (the Tamil Tigers struggle for a seperate home land has
made international shipping a potential target). So near yet so far!

After Rameswaram we headed to where I am now, Mamallapuram. A sea side town
just south of Madras (Chennai) famous for 1400 year old temples cut into the
rock. The temple are worth a look but I think I have been spoilt by Hampi.
These do not, for me, have the same knock out feel. Tomorrow I leave for
Madras.

Goodness me. What a biggy! Took me 2 sittings to write!

Ihope I have not bored you too much with my tales of international
superstardom, and I will write with more tales, starting with Madras quite
soon.

As always love and keep in touch.

Dan.

PS. I have no idea what the song is called.

I forgot to mention in my last email that I was chased by a swarm of bees. I
was in Mamullapuram on top of a big rock looking at a ruined temple. They
came at me from a valley. I saw them swarm at quite a distance. And then
they rushed. All the other tourists just stood and stared. All the Indians
pegged it. I followed. All I could think about was the words I read in the
book "What to do in an Emergency", given to me by my good friend Neil. It
had a chapter on when bees attack. It advised (1) to run fast in a straight
line and (2) to find long grass or bushes as the swating action will deter
the bees. I could do neither as (1) would result in me going splat off the
edge of a large rock and (2) long grass and bushes does not grow on the
surface of large rocks. The only action left for me was to hide behind said
ruin with a small boy. There we waited and thankfully survived. All the
tourists also survived as the bees had no interest in attacking. They just
swarmed by and on doing their busy buzy business.

So for part 3.

As promised I shall begin in Madras (Chennai). Only spent one night there
and did not see too much. The visit was merely a fact finding mission. Facts
to be found were frequency and cost of boats to the Andaman Islands and if
it is possible to carry on to SE Asia. And trains heading north west to
Rajasthan. The boats cost 1250R's one way (60 hours!) but it is not possible
to carry on to SE asia, and leave fortnightly. The next left in 10 days or
so. We did not feel like waiting and Zoe cant really afford it, plus boats
leave from Calcutta so may be I will go after Zoe flys back. So that made
our plan. Rajasthan it is.

Our train north west contained a few stop overs in Hyderabad, Aurangabad and
Jalgaon to see the Ajanta Caves before arriving in Udaiper in south
Rajasthan.

Hyderabad is a fairly typical Indian city. Pollution, cows, mad traffic,
over crowding etc. Its land marks include a massive lake in which a massive
stone statue of Buddha has been placed. The statue is one of the largest and
features Buddha standing. They had a bit of trouble placing him in his
current location as while they were floating him out he sank, taking with
him some of the boat crew. There he rested for a couple of years before a
succesful relocation to his intended place.

It also has a very impressive approx 500 year old hill fort called
Goconda surrounded by the mausoleums of various Maharaja who lived in this
fort. The fort is also surrounded by the present day army and its various
training and base camps. Climbing this fort gave spectacular views of the
city. One could also see Hitec city. A suburb built purely for software,
IT, and computer companies. A white 21st Century spec on the horizon visible
from this 15th or 16th century fort.

The Ajanta caves are 27 or so man made caves carved out of the cliff in a
horse shoe bend of a river. The caves, important in Buddhist beliefs, were
carved from about 200BC untill 500AD and contain cells where the monks lived
and the most intricate of decorations and paintings and statues of Buddha.
Restoration work is being done but many pieces have been further damaged by
the graffiti of visitors. A pity.

After followed a short stop at a posh hotel in Jalgaon (nothing town, good
ice cream, room with a TV. Watched Hans Blix do his thing) And then the long
trip up north to Udaiper. A very romantic town. Made famous in the west as
it was featured in James Bond's Octopussy (Roger Moore). The town has many
palaces once owned by maharaja including one up a mountain, 2 built in the
lake (now posh hotels, used as sets in Octopussy) and one in the city. We
visited the city and mountain palaces but we are unfortunatly not rich
enough to tea at the other 2!

At the moment in Rajasthan it is wedding season. Whilst in Udaipur Zoe and I
were invited to a wedding. A grand night out it was. We were just exploring
when we heard the band and investigated. It was at this point we were
invited to come along. The wedding featured a long procession through the
city streets with dancing, fire works and music. The Groom looking splendid
on his white charger following us dressed in fine gold clothes and his
sword. And the women dressed in the most colourful and pretty silk sarees.
The procession lasted for a good hour or two before arriving at the
reception hall where we got our first glimpse of the bride, in her special
wedding saree. The wedding (Hindu) featured an arranged marriage and
consisted of people belonging to a well to do cast. Food was plentyful and
it made a very special memory.

After Udaiper it was north to Jaipur where I was involved in my first train
crash. Not a major one as I am still here but for some reason a cement mixer
was on the line and the train ploughed through it with a bit of a bump.
After a wait of an hour or two whilst engineers and driver fixed a curious
hissing noise on the engine we proceeded.

Jaiper, the capital of Rajasthan, is a fairly big city with a walled old
section. This section contains temples, shops, traffic, monkeys, camels,
elephants and a lot of weddings and is painted a rust red. The city and its
region has a plethora of ruins. Ruins on hills, old walls, abandoned
temples, mausoleums etc. A historians wet dream. After here I left for
Pushkar, where I am now and afterwards I head westwards into the Great Thar
Desert!

Keep writing my chickadees and I will do my best to write back!

As ever. Love Dan.