CLUB . . . Redefining Our Parameters Since 2003

Quattro

Having unsuccessfully spent the previous three months trying to persuade Phil to come with us to Benicassim he kindly offered myself, Richard, Ed and Dan a lift to the station to see us off on our great Spanish adventure. We all squeezed into his car and talked enthusiastically about the fun we would soon be enjoying. Our gateway to this paradise of entertainment was Coventry airport which, a train and taxi ride further on, turned out to consist of a couple of portakabins stuck next a runway.

Our check in was smooth and the departure "lounge" was packed with excited holiday makers, the girl behind the burger counter exhorted me to conquer my apparent fear of approaching her and tempted me to a delicious sausage sandwich which, by the time she had cooked it, I had to then stuff into my mouth as quickly as I could in order to board the plane. Whilst in the portakabin I decided to supplement my rather spartan packing attempts and buy some ear plugs - I would have been better buying a powerful portable air conditioning unit since the ear plugs never came out of their box.

The plane journey ( my 41st flight ) was reasonably quick and enlivened by Richards and Dans grunting and the nice air stewardess who saw to our every need.

Valencia ! None of us had ever been there before so Dan had booked us into the homely sounding "Home Hostel" located somewhere in Valencias old town. We immediately lept on a bus which looked like it might be going in the right direction and began a long and circuitous journey past various prisons and parks to an unknown bus station somewhere else in Valencia. Having no clue where this was in relation to the hostel we caught a taxi for a 5 minute journey to the hostel. As we left the taxi large clouds of white smoke began to pour from his boot - we left him to his fate frantically messing with equipment in his boot and booked into the hostel.

Excitingly it appeared we were in a mixed dormitory with a high percentage of bra's and knickers scattered around it, cunningly we all positioned ourselves as close to these attractive garments as we could.

Cinquo

Leigh had alreay arrived earlier that morning and was waiting on the hostels roof terrace to meet us, I had never met him before and neither had Ed so we made our introductions and spent the rest of the afternoon sitting on the terrace waiting for the supermarket to open so we could get some food. In the meantime we discovered the hostel had a beer vending machine and was located next to door to a Transexual Guidance Centre of some kind which was its self located next to a nunnery.

The first evening was spent eating in the main square next to an impressive fountain and a gentle wander around various bars and cafes. Since it was the first night we wanted to take it reasonably easy and not get too drunk, a plan which was immediatley scuppered on discovery of the Cider Bar.

The Cider Bar sold Cider in those pouring jugs with the little nozzles which you are supposed to hold above your head and attempt to aim the liquid into your mouth. Dangerously the more jugs of cider you bought the cheaper they became, I am presuming this is because the more you drink the less of it ends up anywhere near your mouth. After an hour or so of Cider madness my shirt was thoroughly doused in Cider and it was time for some Tequila. It is probably a reflection of our condition at this stage that caused us to purchase our first "spinny thing", this is a plastic device with a number of intriguing spinning lights in a stylish plastic globe attached to a convienient pistol grip. In addition to the spinning lights the device is also equipped with a loudspeaker and plays a song which has been variously translated as

"I want to spin, spin, spin till the sun goes down. Whoah whoah whoah"
"I want beers, beers, beers till the sun goes down. Whoah whoah whoah"
"I wanna drink, drink, drink till the sun goes down. Whoah whoah whoah"

Truly an amazing invention. Immediatley after we bought it and activated it for the first time we were swamped by a sea of bongo salesmen and sellers of other cheap crap. I'm sure this was entirely co-incidental. After this the rest of the night vanishes in a sort of spinning blur.

Sexo

The next member of the party to arrive was Richard, he announced his presence early in the morning by arriving at the dormitory door and announcing his intention to speak with a Mr Dispain. I was too drowsy to make any introductions at this stage or do anything to interfere with my careful observations of the habits of various young ladies in dormitories.

We'd heard Valencia had a beach and so that is where we headed to spend the day. On the way we took in the sights of the kind of weird river bed park which encircles the old town and a totally empty metro station from which we caught a metro and a tram to beach it's self. As usual on Spanish beaches the beach was packed with lovely topless Spanish ladies so not wishing to miss any who may have ventured into the sea I went for a swim wearing my sunglasses. Clearly Neptune does not approve of this behaviour and a large wave came and carried my sunglasses away forever within 30 seconds of entering the water.

I believe that night, and indeed most nights in Valencia were pretty much a repetition of the first night as we introduced Richard to all the sights. Richard has some kind of mania for doing cartwheels and so spent most of this night cartwheeling about and falling over on slippy plazas.

The next day was the day the final members of our paryt, Tim & Gemma were due to arrive. I have no idea what we did during the day but we ended it drinking on the hostels roof top terrace. I had discovered you could buy litres of Sangria for around 15p in the nearby supermarkets and was drinking that. Depsite constant encouragement none of the others seemed to want to touch it but went on about how cheap their beer was - 330ml for 20p. Basic maths is enough to demonstrate the Sangria's alcohol per pence rating makes it by the far the more attractive drink.

Once we got turfed off the hostel roof we heard from Tim & Gemma who were attempting to track us down with rather limited success - they didn't really know where we were or where they were and had no map. We lurked for a bit outside the hostel where by the distribution of beer we gathered a large crowd of revellers with whom we headed off the to Plaza Del Virgens to begin a night of drunken debauchery. Of particular note was the amusing English teacher with whom I witnessed an impressive Spanish mating display in a drive by pulling attempt, the German Girl who can drive as fast as she likes on the Autobahn and succumbed to Dans charms - immediatley before being violently sick. Also present was Steve from Dudley who enjoys visiting shopping centres, an amusing Irish guy who's name I have unfortunately forgotten and a girl who we were to bump into later at Benicassim but who ran off early to bed this night.

Next day Dan, Leigh and Rich slept off last nights excesses whilst Richard, Ed & Myself went on a tour of Valencia and it's department stores. The stores were so fascinating this took most of the day. We had an excellent lunch back at the hostel of steak, pasta and salad and spent the afternoon chilling out and drinking coffee waiting for the others to return from the beach.

Another evening spent on the roof terrace only this time with an amazing thunder storm as a backdrop, at one point I saw a sheet of sparks fly up the roof of the nearby church which was very exciting. After they kicked us off the roof terrace we repaired to the kitchen where we unfortunately met a young lady called Vicky. Without any messing about she set about inviting herself to stay in Richards tent during Benicassim and wangling a lift in our car down there, as soon as she had concluded her business she went off to bed stopping only to scold Rich for incorrectly calling her Vicky when her name was in fact in Victoria. Endearingly she suggested that we were all probably around 35 years old or older.

Ochto

Outside the Hostel whilst playing with the spinny thing I met Tim & Gemma
who had met the others earlier in the day and gone to the beach with them. We set off immediately for the Cider bar and to renew our aquaintance with the two gay German lads we had met previously, they bought Richard and absinthe presumably with the hopes of leaving him drunk and incapable. Obviously we got drunk again because we bought another larger and more powerful spinny thing and ended up in a night club, I felt very drunk in the nightclub indeed and was having difficulty standing up. Richard seemed to have attracted the attention of two nice English ladies and I felt he could certainly do with my presence for moral support. Tragically it took all my concentration to remain standing so conversation on my part was limited to non committal grunts. When my wine glass spontaneously lept off the shelf and smashed in a shower of glass on the floor I took it as a sign from god to stop drinking. Later, after several bottles of water, I had rallied and was able to engage in lengthy conversations with Richards lady friends about Thundercats and other cartoons from our youth. On the way home the ladies began rambling about vampyres and how Valencia looked like a veritable nest of vampyres before dashing off to bed leaving Richard and myself unsated with only the pretty young girls in the dorm to gaze at with unfilled lust.

As Rich had discovered the night before one bed was occupied by two, potentially lesbian, girls but they appeared to be just asleep and not engaged in any interesting girl on girl action so I soon fell asleep.